Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My sunshine girl.

It will be no surprise to some that I have been trying to get pregnant with baby #2.  As expected, it's an emotional roller coaster.  After all the surgery and radiation of '08, my doctor expressed that it would be unlikley to have more children on my own, that my ovaries would no longer produce eggs properly.  However, my ob-gyn has been really optimistic and confident that I will be able to conceive.  I have run the gamut of feelings over the issue, ranging from extreme fear and stress to peace and faith, sometimes in the same day.

When my fertility first came into question, I was really sensitive about it; when people asked me if I wanted to have more children, or if I was, "baby hungry," it would cause me to feel upset and even malice toward the innocent people asking the question.  I've changed my attitude. I feel optimistic about the whole process. Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen, I have faith that it will all work out the way it should.

At the end of the day, or rather, at the end of Lucy's day, sometimes I am so frazzled I can hardly make it through brushing teeth and prayers and hugs and kisses with a smile on my face.  I admit sometimes I am less than patient during out bedtime routine.  Tonight, after bedtime, and after I'd had a few minutes to relax, Lucy starting the whining and crying portion of the evening that requests drinks and snacks and multiple trips to the potty.  I become a little more patient at this point, trying to figure out which strategy will actually get her to stay in her bed and go to sleep.  Tonight, she worked me good, "I need snuggles, Mama."  She said.  I held her like an infant and sang our song to her.  "You are my Sunshine."  It is my favorite lullaby, since it's the only one I can ever remember my mom singing to us.  I have sung it to Lucy from the moment she was born.  I think of it as our song.  When she was a baby and I had just gotten the news that I would have to have surgery, the part I feared most was being away from Lucy.  We were driving home from somewhere and she was crying in her carseat, she must have been 6 months old or so, and I started singing our song.  She immediately calmed down.  Now I know it was probably just the singing in general distracting her, but I like to think that she knew it was our special song and that I loved her even if I had to be away from her, much the way my mom must have felt knowing she'd have to leave me.  

So tonight, while I was holding my giant baby, singing our song softly into her ear, I was listening to her voice sing all the words she knew back to me.  I was thinking about how if she had a sibling, I probably wouldn't hold her like this anymore, I would probably expect her to act more grown up in a lot of circumstances.  For once, I felt a little perspective on the situation.  That maybe my sunshine needs more snuggles and I can be patient for baby #2 as long as my arms can hold my baby #1 and sing our special song..."so please don't take my sunshine away."


K+B said...

oh my goodness. This is such a good post. You are so good and SUCH an amazing mom, and you have such a sweet girl. Thank you for posting this.
I'm praying for you.
I laughed-- I sing that song to addison. But instead of 'please don't take my sunshine away" I sing "I love you my dear addie may"... corny, yes, but it's our song. :)
You're the best of the best of friends. :) love you.

Shellybells said...

I usually never comment on anyone's blog, but I just have to tell you how much I appreciate this post. I often catch myself looking forward to the next thing and forget how precious the things happening today are, and you really helped put that into perspective with your post. Thanks so much for your beautiful and sincere sharing. I always love your blog and today's post was extra wonderful!

Katidid said...

Thank you for this post. I needed to hear it and be reminded to have some patience of my own as I listen to my babies #1 and #2 play in their room, when they are suppose to be sleeping.

Stacie said...

Thanks so much for opening up, Anna, and sharing this. Though I am really sad to hear you've been struggling. Hopefully these kind of moments and your faith will carry you through. Let me know if you ever need a listening ear.

I was glad to hear I am not the only one who sometimes despises the bedtime routine! I get so grouchy, and sometimes think, "Come on, Stacie, buck up! You've made it through a whole day. What's 30 more minutes?" But still, it gets tiring. Thank goodness for those sweet moments!

GramMO said...

I love you so. You are my sunshine!Yo Mamamlalama

Jennifer said...

You are my sunshine.

Kimberlee said...

That is so sweet Anna. Thanks for the reminder to cherish and be thankful for every moment. And to make sure to snuggle those giant babies as long as they'll let us! You are so good and do so much good for others, I know the Lord will bless you for it.