Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year!

Hello? Are you still there?

I'm going to try to get a little more blogging done this year than last, and I'm starting off with sharing what's going on in my brain right now.  It's not all rainbows and puppy dogs (I would never have puppy dogs in there anyway, let's say something I like, like Taco Bell.  It's not all rainbows and Taco Bell.  That's better.  Anyway)

To be completely honest, these last couple months have been a struggle.  Noah hasn't been sleeping well and he's been eating a lot so I feel a bit like a hostage.  I had a dream the other night that I was trying to escape from bad guys and I kept having to stop to find places to nurse.  That is my life right now.  Well, actually right now, Noah is either weaning or on a nursing strike or something and it's making me crazy.  He doesn't want to nurse.  I'm trying to feed him solids, formula, milk, I'm nursing, bottle feeding and spoon feeding.  All the while I'm fighting with myself.  Is he getting enough food?  Is he hungry?  Is he too full?  Maybe he can't tell when he's full...maybe he has that disease?  If I stop nursing I'm a bad mother.  What if I scar him emotionally?  What if he gets allergies and ear infections?  What if I get breast cancer?  Formula is so expensive and I can make his food with my body.  I'm trying to handle this on 5 or so, non-continuous, hours of sleep per night.  I'm not trying to be a whiny baby-because one of those is enough around here.  Noah is usually a happy and calm baby.  I can not say the same for his mother.

Our Christmas was lovely.  I just wasn't into it.  None of it.  I put up the tree, but didn't decorate it because all I could think about was how I'd just have to take it all down in a few weeks anyway and I just don't care about that stuff.  Am I a Scrooge?  I think I might be.  I'm thankful for my close family and my best friends who have been putting up with my near constant complaining these last few weeks.  I figure why should they have all the fun? 

This morning, I woke up with Noah, too early, and I sat in the rocking chair and cried.

Then I read President Monson's talk in the January Ensign and Sister Hinckley's pamphlet on Motherhood and I felt better.  I feel better.  Life isn't perfect.  I can not do everything but I am going to continue to do the best I can.

Have a good attitude, believe in yourself, and face life with courage.
"There are few things as powerful in the world as the examples of righteous mothers and dedicated women..."

Here's to a happier, and more rested, 2012.


GramMO said...

You are the best, Anna. Things will work out and you will wake up one day and wish this very day to come back, no sleep and all. "Things will work out , they always do." I love you, Come for a vacation, move in with me! 2012 has to be better for all of us. Keep on keeping on whether you have a good attitude or not, whether you believe in your self or not (though I believe in you), whether you feel courageous or not, despite them all you are a righteous, beautiful, dedicated mother, but best of all you are Gloria's and my daughter and we love everything you are including the not so great days.LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU, here and beyond, now and forever and ever and ever........

Callie said...

I was on Mormon Messages this morning preparing for my Young Women lesson and listed to Elder Wirthlin's "Come What May and Love it" We are experiencing hard things and should consider our experiences as 'on the job training'. We're preparing for the eternal. Every tear today will be returned 100 fold in tears of rejoicing and gratitude. Because of Christ. The Lord is our helper, and wants us to be successful.

I was up at 4am crying also. I guess I should learn to laugh at the hard times. It made me think that I need to trust the Lord more. To do my best and leave the rest to Him. We are raising His children. And sometimes it's SO hard.

I remember struggling with nursing Averie. I could only nurse to 5months and felt IMMENSE guilt. I too was very sleep deprived and was so worried about the cost of other resources and nutrition. It will all work out. I put Averie on goats milk with an iron supplement and she was fine. Just as formula would have been fine also. She turned out great as will Noah.

Take one day at a time. Ask for help from others. I love you and think you're a fantastic mother with beautiful, happy children and a wonderful husband with Priesthood Authority. Ask for a blessing. No one knows you better than your Heavenly Father and He will help you.

Much love to you from Utah!

Stephanie said...

I appreciate your honesty, because quite frankly, how often is it all rainbows and Taco Bell? Sometimes I wish more people would be honest so I didn't get such a complex when I read everyone's blogs.

I'm sorry things have been rough lately. It WILL get better. Take advantage of your MIL's offer and go to her house for a couple, so you can get a night or two of uniterrupted sleep. It will do you wonders. Take it from a girl who worked night shift for 6 1/2 yrs. Lack of sleep=misery real fast.

Good luck and Happy New Year! Love you!

Stacie said...

Happy new year, Anna! I LOVE this picture. Things will get better soon. Hang in there. :)

Janine Fredline said...

Anna oh i miss you! I wish we lived right by each other we r so alike in so many ways! Every few days I check your blog for updates! I just neeeeeeeed my dose of Anna! Please please call or write me sometime(we can b penpals...keyboard pals?) :) anyways far too often do I agree or feel the same way. Motherhood is taxing and rewarding all wrapped up in one. It's okay to have all those worries...that's what moms do. Don't ever feel bad for that! This is a tough stage right now. Maxwell (max) just got over that crazy stage . So my worries r more like is he eating too much now does he have that disease? Do I will I ever get breast cancer?!? My old worries that finally end truly never go away or I just fill them with wonderful crazy new ones! :) anyhow I love you! Wish I was there to at least give u a hug and stare at your undecorated tree ;)

Emily said...

you're so pretty!

Valerie and Mercado Family said...

I hadn't seen your blog when I talked to you on Sunday. I'm sorry things are hard in the nursing department. I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck with that and with your new fit self!